The unexplained goodbye!!

 I was in love once. Deep, crazy, inconceivable love. We were so much alike and completely hooked on each other from the moment we met. I was amazed I was able to find someone so perfect, thinking “this is the kind of guy you marry.” I wasn’t ever going to let him get away.

Our love was exactly how the movies play it out to be: wrapped up in each other like we might drift away, making friends sick with our infatuation, completely consumed and trying to inhale each other fully.  We were Noah and Ally plucked right out of The Notebook. It was the most intensely passionate experience I’d ever had.

We were a team, we were best friends; nothing could go wrong as long as we were together.

And then the unthinkable happened.

I self sabotaged the relationship, walked away from him without giving him any explanation whatsoever. 

Trust me when I say, the  most painful places to be in is the one where you feel regret, guilt, and pain for losing someone you see as too much of a loss to recover from. 

Even in a state of no contact for months, sometimes the connection to this person who was emotionally available, good to me and loved me, just won’t fade away. Attempts to begin dating again, to be in a new relationship, still left me finding myself unable to disconnect.

The love I still hold for HIM doesn’t dwindle. The guilt I feel for hurting this special person holds tight. When I think of him, my heartstrings pull because I remember just how pure his intent was. How he was always so consistent, so steady and so effortlessly able to be himself. Always there for me. No drama. No one else can measure up to those qualities. 

I even dislike myself at times because I know it was me that caused the split and am responsible for causing pain to someone I really value and cannot move on from.

This is all just too hard and painful to pen down.

I don't have it in me to write more so I end this with:

“‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” ~Alfred Lord Tennyson